Wednesday, December 28, 2011

On Dating

I'm an attractive woman in her mid-20s (sue me for not thinking otherwise, and not whining about my looks), and this question just becomes more prevalent, in every conversation: why the hell aren't you dating?

"You're pretty, smart, funny, talented and SINGLE? How come?" - Hey! their words, not mine!

Short answer: I don't feel like it.

Long answer: I'm tired of that bullshit, I don't need it in my life at the moment. I mean, the very primitive part of my brain, might need aspects of it; but I'm not willing to go through all the hell required to be in a relationship.

To begin with the fact, I like a man every 4 or 6 years or something, it's like presidential elections. "And the winner with the majority of votes is..." and then there are riots and protests in the streets, and it's a big deal and shit.

As I've told to other people before, the ritual aspect of it is just plain stupid. I would go out with a man, he would give me dead plants, then he would feed me, try to intoxicate my judgment with fancy drinks, and hope the situation ends up with him sticking his dick into any of my bodily orifices.

Not a nice scenario, when it's put this way, eh? If that's romance, I don't want anything to do with it.

I would rather a more natural development of the events. Like I've known someone for a while, dig his personality, have a good communication with, and one day "hey let's fuck", "ok!". And no further complications, no rules, it's not a fucking RPG.

Of course I had to go through a "serious relationship" to reach this state, I had to go through the receiving dead plants, through the rules, through the always first awkward "I love you". Blind dating, dating several guys at the same time, and so on...

I've not given up completely on this particular subject. Who knows, maybe one day I might even marry (eww), people do crazy things when they're getting old and desperate.

I would probably go for someone, like this guy. Several reasons: 1. The man obviously loves his profession, meaning I'd NOT be the center of his life. That's awesome, I don't need someone who will absorb every aspect of my existence, like some life-draining-vampire, who wants to be my siamese sibling. 2. I know nothing about cloning, I've always dated people who are either: musicians, writers, painters, etc; most of my acquaintances are artists. It would be nice for a change. I could even draw him cloning a human being and making wicked experiments. 3. I have a weakness for blond dudes with that expression that says: "I'm batshit crazy and possibly dangerous for society", it's just charming.

My future ex-husband

Tentative projection of the future

For now, I rather not looking for it. It would be nice, if people just stopped giving a fuck about my sexual and non-romantic life. As if marrying and breeding were the biggest accomplishment in one's life. But I guess that's topic for another entry!

A Long Explanation

Greeting citizens, I know no one reads this thing, except for few persons who know me. I believe no one has had the balls to ask: "what's this whole misanthrope thing about?"

Let's first state, I created this blog around 2009, with very different intentions. I wanted to write about serious issues, something more along the line of The Culture of the Weak (my other blog), and when I drunkly decided to create a blog for my personal thoughts (okay, a blog to spur all the random shit that comes to my mind), I was too uncreative to get a new title, and used this again.

Second, I do not hate all people, that's ridiculous, I know a small tiny fraction of the 7 billions (yes, we're 7 billions already). But I do feel strongly about what humanity is, represents, and I'm part of; the abstracts. For good and bad. I love reading about past cultures, mythology, scientific news, all the things we, as species have achieved. I can listen to stuff like Koyaanisqatsi's ST by Philip Glass, get goose bumps and an ear-gasm; by the way I adore that film, because I identify that same fascination for humanity, our failures and progress. I don't cry often with movies, but this had rendered me to tears, not sadness or trained empathy for fictional characters, just feeling overwhelmed by the epicness of music and visual input. Falling buildings and fast-paced classical music, have that effect on me.

Pffft, I just have something in my eye!

I'm also fascinated with myself, fuck humility (who needs that?), let's face it, we're egocentric creatures, I wouldn't be writing this blog, if it wasn't the case. Just like the other 7 billions are fascinated with themselves, that's the key of success of all those shitty social networking sites.

But I've found my fascination differs from most people, I promise, I won't fancy myself on this one, this is just the truth.

While the majority craves and clings to attention to try filling a void, the void left by a bad perception of themselves. I have this need to entertain others (preferably like-minded people). I denied it for the longest time, because I didn't want to feel like a clown, but a "serious artist". But I'm an entertainer, I was born one, I was dancing, singing and telling jokes for adults, at the age of 3, for christ sake. See the difference? I don't want to get attention to grow my ego. My ego is so fucking awesome I need to share it with others!

While the majority wants to attain a better status, by getting society's approval: buying expensive fancy things, getting a diploma, looking hot and having many "friends". I want to progress as a wholesome person, I want to be wiser, understanding; I need to feed my brain with new information, different points of view. It's just "my thing", and I couldn't ever quite understand why, it seems people with this same drive are almost extinct.

And so you can see my ambivalence towards humanity. This, of course, had a big impact in my lifestyle. I've hardly ever felt part of anything, even when I've been in the spotlight and surrounded by people, who like me for some reason, there's just this little voice going like "what a bunch of retards. I need to get drunk to stand this bullshit".

I'm now what some people call: a city hermit (not a basement dweller, I'm not pathetic, fat or ugly, and I don't fap to Sonic). Let's just say, my bullshitometer oscillates until it's all red, and them bam! "I burn a bridge". That's my hobby: I burn bridges. I've burnt many roads and hiking trails too.

There are probably some you, like "ME TOO! ME TOO!" Shut up, let's stick to the misanthropic thingy, and hate each other.

I'm not such a grumpy bastard, I swear! I like hanging out with people sometimes, like once a year! :)

Traditional Family VALIUM

Few months ago I remember asking to few people, what was their concept of traditional family values. And I could never get to write about it, simply because nowadays, it seems to be the less important part of our societies.

I've thought of the pros and cons. From how important it's having a solid base, a group of people who feel natural empathy for us. To pondering the idea of complete destruction of the institution we know as family.

Let me start stating: I do not believe in following traditions. In the sense that I don't believe in things you have to do, because other people came up with that idea, to waste their time in the past. I believe in ("positive") evolving, in improvements suiting our particular lifestyles and needs.

This takes me to this specific time of the year. When so many persons come with this big drama about their parents and relatives. People not wanting to spend their time with their family, people doing it because they feel they had no choice.

If you read one of my previous entries, The Spirit of Christmas, you have a fairly good idea of what I think about this time of the year, so let's skip that part, and just say it's frivolous meaningless bullshit. Okay? let's move on.

Some years ago, I said fuck tradition, I'm gonna make my own Christmas and new years eve "tradition". And I stopped spending those days with my family. At the time, I had a lot of troubles with them, I kept them at distance. For seven years maybe, I would rather spend that time with my friends, boyfriend or alone and drunk. Of course that hurt them, but eventually they rolled with it. That time gave me some new perspective. After all were gone: friends, boyfriends; my family was still there.

I don't know if they feel it's their duty, thanks to some almost supernatural force that bind them to care about me. I don't know if I'm somewhat lucky, and not all families care (I know for sure a part of my family doesn't care. They don't matter, so whatever). I don't know if they're just too used to me. But the fact remains the same, their attitude makes me want to give back in some way and be thankful.

I spent part of Christmas eve with them, and despite my cynicism and how complicated things are between us, I enjoyed myself, I really did. I appreciated all gifts, fatty food and screwdrivers, the bad jokes, the trolling, the long talks about stuff I couldn't possibly give two fucks about.

And I did it because I chose to, not because I'm compelled to follow traditions, but because I know it's important for them, and it's the perfect time to be together (vacations and all). I don't know for how long I'll have the opportunity to share my life with this bunch of silly dumbfucks, who genuinely care about what happens to me. (This year was bad for some of them, health-wise.) I don't want to be in ten years or two months, without them, and regretting how I didn't enjoy them while I still had the chance, regretting that I couldn't fix our relationship, while I could.

Sure, we're not very compatible, we don't think the same way, I often ask myself "HOW CAN I BE RELATED TO THESE PEOPLE?". In other circumstances I wouldn't be friends with them, hell, I wouldn't even talk to these persons. But that's what a family is. People who don't necessarily like you, people who won't kiss your ass because you're hot and have an awesome personality. But people who will care enough to call you sometimes and see what's going on with you. People who will be in the hospital with you, when you're sick and all your friends are busy. People who will judge you merciless for your flaws (even if it's a matter of perception and moral). People who will give a fuck for something as stupid as, you spending new years eve alone, and people who will get you a shitty gift.

It's bound to create conflict, as you can see.

In the end of the day, all the good and bad, just reflect the same: they care ENOUGH, probably like no one else will ever do, other than the family you spawn on your own. And they do, just because you exist.

I know I'll still complain in the future about them, and we'll have conflicts and arguments, we'll try to poison each others, throw knives at each others, etc, like all normal people do. But I don't let myself forget the importance, even in the worst moments, of having them around.

No one said it was easy dealing with your relatives, especially in a chaotic society, where dysfunctional families are the norm, where traditions and morals mean shit. But think that at least you have that, and be grateful. Double grateful, if you have both of your parents, alive, in one piece and not in prison.

Happy new year? (:

Sunday, December 25, 2011

The spirit of Christmas

I think I've met the real spirit of Christmas.

25-12 I woke up around 11am, drank what was left in a cooler of a warm disgusting screwdriver. My mission was finding cigarettes, which I've gotten run off last night. Didn't need stretching or washing my face, just my jeans, shoes and huge old sunglasses, which I despised but I'm getting fond of. The tattered big sweater I sleep on, was alright, even when it's 24° outside.

Rewind a bit, yesterday was the shit!

Alright, it wasn't.

It was just the normal "eating too much, drinking too much", gathering with relatives, receiving gifts with a big smile, even when you're thinking "what's wrong with you?". All the good stuff.

Despite the fact I drank too many screwdrivers and beers to keep the count, for around 12 hours; I didn't get shitfaced, didn't lose coordination, didn't feel stupid or willing to talk too much. Instead I was feeling sleepy the whole day, but my mind was crystal clear. Everything felt like a lucid dream, where I couldn't fly or spawn people out of the blue, to fuck them senseless.

Forward today again. I don't usually get out on 25th December, the hangovers don't let me move, except for convulsions followed by a stream of half digested food and rancid ethylic smell. Not today, not a trace of headache or physical discomfort. This is still surprising to me, I wonder if I have reached a new tolerance level.

I hadn't still hit the road, just the building stairs outside the apartment, when I found the first sign of "celebration": a puddle of vomit, containing something that looked like carrots and a yellow substance. I avoided it as I could, in my "just awoken" trance, and down I went. Some neighbors, I didn't recognize (due the fact I was wearing the shades - and probably due the fact I don't give a fuck about my neighbors), were talking in the main entrance, held the door for me and one of them spurred something like "zombie".

- Why yes sir. Good morning and braaains.

The street had the usual dirty look, but as I kept walking I noticed more than dog shit, random crap and "human" waste; a massive hole in the pavement, broken glass on the bus stop, mountains of destroyed wrapping paper, empty bottles, empty boxes, traces of firecrackers. - At least I didn't see a bloated corpse, these persons sure know how to party.

My usual store was closed, I kept walking, trying to find another place to buy my poison of choice. I got a rather interesting companion, a big stray dog. I usually scare them away, but this one looked too big and hungry, to play the old trick with. He kept following me, wagging the tail, just ignoring me to stop at the overflowed garbage cans.

Next store, closed too. Next store, open, didn't have marlboro cigs. Fuck my life.

I was near a closed mall, when some particular sound caught my attention: "Hallelujah! Praise God! HE saves! HE saves!" - a woman was whining. Filling the environment with distorted echoes of fainting madness.

I got into some part of the town I just never go to, almost instinctively escaping from the apocalyptic sounds. The street was empty, and I swear I saw Santa Claus, just standing there. Tall fat dirty fella, wearing a red cap, and tight rags. He had two big black plastic bags full of something... perhaps gifts he hadn't delivered? He seemed bothered and wasted. - Ho ho ho, do you have Marlboro in there? - I thought, didn't tell.

Eventually I completed my mission successfully. Not Marlboro, just Lucky Strike, eh, better than nothing. But I got more than that. I got to experience the real spirit of this time of the year. The self-destruction, the trash, the puke and desperation, left behind mindless consumerism and void traditions.

That's like your opinion, man

Greetings, I'm not going to address the subjectivity of opinions, or the Big Lebowski, as the title hints.

You see, Kim Jong Il died, and I'm devastated. We had a lot in common and this is just sad... Okay, out of joke, I've seen a bunch of reactions about this, all people living everywhere else. I saw a bunch of jokes, people like "Our dear leader, we'll miss you", and I tag along. I know these are light-hearted jokes (or at least I hope so).

But then I see a lot of people celebrating, in different boards and networking sites, like "finally the tyrant is dead!". Do you even live near Asia, motherfucker? Do you really understand or know what's going on in North Korea, from first hand? Do you even know where in the map is NK located?

Oh yeah, you think your system is better than theirs, and somehow you defend "freedom" so fucking much, that you feel entitled to say it's better for them to adopt your system. After all "freedom" and "democracy" are so awesome, that everybody needs to get them BY FORCE.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I know SHIT about North Korea, beyond some basic stuff, you can read on wiki. And as I know shit about it, I don't have any real opinion on the subject, and I'm neutral about it. This brings me to reason why I'm rambling here.

Why does everybody feel the need "to express an opinion", on every subject, even if they don't know enough about it? Does it make them feel smarter or something?
The world doesn't give a shit, especially when you didn't come up with "that opinion" from your own logical process, to begin with. When "your opinion" is just byproduct of reading few headlines and operant conditioning.

Realize the problem is not that you have an opinion, the problem is spurring some baseless opinion, because it makes you feel cool and hip.

Remember kids, freedom of speech is a right, freedom of stupidity is not.


I'm up this bitch again.

The title of this blog is self explanatory. Don't expect elaborated crap, or happy thoughts. Expect some ramblings and unwarranted self-importance, without any particular time linearity. And maybe you could find yourself nodding like "yeah, I feel/think the same! I'm not alone" don't deceive yourself, you're truly alone; we can be honest about it, and go to the next topic. Enjoy!